Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Help, I'm sinking...

I love my church. I do. I just can't stand to go there. I want my kids to grow up with the same songs and traditions and values that I grew up with, but I can't take them there. I have this awful feeling of guilt. I feel that everyone there is doing better than me and they know it. No one has said anything, so logically I'm thinking this could very likely be all in my head. But knowing that doesn't get rid of this feeling of dread and sham I feel whenever I am there. I read my scriptures. I pray everyday. I am just all messed up and I don't know how to fix any of it. I feel like there is this huge to do list that I am never doing enough. I am giving up.

Thursday, February 21, 2013


Sorry It's been a long time. I haven't been doing well. I feel like people are watching me, even when I am alone in my house. It's a 100 times worse if I leave my house. I went a week without showering because of this fear. Now they have given me clonopin again, so I am now able to shower, but I don't feel like I can safely drive with it. So I guess I'm working on Agoraphobia, too.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I feel like such a failure as a mom, but I have come to realize that I can't handle my kids at church. They get loud and I get embarrassed and I sit there feeling one inch tall until I leave half way through. My kid have only made it to their Sunday School class once in the past two months or so. My husband wants to have one more baby, but I told him today that I wont unless he starts going to church with me. I don't want one more just to fail that child also. Everything just seems so hopeless.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Grocery Store Challenges and Dad update

I went to the grocery store for three things and I stood there staring at laundry soap for 20 minutes. They didn't have the exact thing I got last time and I couldn't decide. The bad part is there were other people who came and went and I got nervous that they might be wondering why I was still standing there staring off into space, and worrying about them made me forget to figure out the soap problem. Finally I just grabbed some cheap stuff that I probably wont like. Luckily the sour cream and cottage cheese didn't involve disturbing perfumes or advanced math problems. Luckily all the cottage cheese and sour cream come in the same very comparable sizes. I'm just saying somebody should step in and regulate the laundry soap sizes like someone obviously did for the dairy products.

I have a little more insight into why I was freaking out so much about my parents' divorce. I really don't think my dad will survive a year without my mom. I know that is a lot to put on my mom's shoulders, but it's true. He says the reason he left is he is going to be translated (like Moses in the bible), and mom was somehow preventing that from happening. I wonder how long he is going to wait before he kills himself. He told my sister a year ago that he had a 'potion' that he is going to take 'when the time is right' that will bring about his resurrection. I was concerned because his resurrection would involve dying and maybe that potion is nothing but maybe it's poison. He doesn't plan to be here next week let alone next year and the state still wont do anything because he isn't dangerous to himself or others. I beg to differ. Maybe his delusion would just continue on and he would think that he had been translated and that now he's an angel or something, but maybe it doesn't and he takes matters into his own hands.

My dad has never been diagnosed or on any medication, but he is just like me unmedicated. Well actually in the last ten years he has gotten much worse then me unmedicated. My dad is 60 and they say schizophrenia left untreated for so long is really hard to treat. So much of their memories aren't real that there isn't that much left. It's really hard to talk them out of it. For me I wanted it all not to be real. My hallucinations and most of my delusions terrified me. My dad on the other hand thinks he is walking with Jesus everyday. He is happy this way. He wouldn't want to give that up and I wouldn't want to take that from him, except that he is going to be all alone and he might accidentally or otherwise kill himself.

There is nothing I can do so I have to let it go, but can you see why I worry.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Temper Tantrum Follow Up

Okay guys temper tantrum completed. I think I can be a bit more adult now. I do want them to be happy. I still cry over certain songs. But I was able to get thru Thanksgiving at my mom's house without sobbing. I got emotional when I noticed that all my dad and mom's pictures of them together were gone. But I am so much better then last week.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Cruise Ship Analogy

I have another analogy. I feel like I have spent my life on a cruise ship and one day I decided that I was grown up and I move.... into one of the life boats. I happily lived there for years and years proud of my independence and only ordering room service every other day or so and sneaking out on the weekends to the big parties on board the cruise the ship. Then suddenly there is an announcement and the great ship is going down.

My lines are cut by a helpful staff member and suddenly I am adrift. I am trying to figure out if there were oars on my little boat and which way I would go anyway. Do I have any food? Or water? What do I have besides last nights party hats? The waves are high and with trying to stay in the boat, I don't even notice if there are other survivors.

This is where I am at right now.  I don't care if my parents are much happier separated I want to force them back together with crazy glue. Right now I am feeling really selfish. Give me a little time to adjust and I'll figure out how to be an adult about my parents' divorce.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Cry for help

I hope someone out there is still reading this. My parents' divorce was finalized on friday 11/16/12. So fast I feel like I got emotional whiplash.They were able to wave the 90 day waiting period because there were no kids involved. I guess I am totally selfish, but I feel like a kid involved. My dad came over to my house yesterday. He heard I was taking it hard. I told him it would have been easier on me if he had died, at least then I could picture him in heaven with Jesus instead of now picturing him at that lady's house in the next town over. I felt like I had this one thing I could count on no matter how bad things got and now that is gone. I guess I am freaking out a bit. My parents are both fairly content. I'm the only one in mourning.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Christmas come early.

It's getting to be around that time where I start to think about writing my Christmas letter to go out in all my cards, but I don't know what to say this year. Christmas letters are suppose to be cheerful and I'm not feeling it right now. I already put up all my Christmas decorations just because I needed some Christmas right now. It's helped a little. But the Christmas letter is still hanging over my head. I don't think anyone wants to hear about my husband leaving our church and maybe is an atheist now or that my parents are divorcing after 37 years because my dad is crazy. The problem is those issues are all I can think about right now. I even missed my group therapy yesterday because I can't keep track of what day it is. I guess I could get my letter started by writing about what the kids are doing. My kids are weathering the storm better then me. Maybe because I only told the older ones who would be able to understand about their grandparents. Maybe they are handling it well because after all they already went through their parents divorce.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I am feeling stretched. I have to much expected of me now and I want to shrink my life back to a controllable little box. I am  doing to much for my comfort right now and it feels like everything is whirling out of control. A lot of it is unavoidable. My 4 year got into this fabulous Autism preschool. (They now say he has Pervasive Developmental Disorder, which is the high end of Autism. It's great, but it required me to volunteer in his classroom once a week and go to parent classes two Thursdays a month. Then I have to take my Mother in Law to English classes Tuesdays and Thursdays mornings dropping her off at nine and picking her up at noon. Other than that we have been doing swimming lessons Monday thru Thursday 9:30 to 10 AM all summer for my nine year old, but thankfully that just ended. I have group therapy on Tuesday afternoons and my therapist on Fridays. Then my church asked me to lead the music at church, which I have the skills to do, but not the room in my head right now to focus on it. Then I was ask to be on the boy scout committee. I know it's a great cause but I am feeling really over loaded now. This stuff is on top  of trying to keep myself and my kids clean, which unfortunately does take conscious thought and effort and my house presentable. I feel like I could scream or cry, but I have a hard time saying 'No'.

The Fall of Rome...or something like that.

         I haven't been on here in a while. Mostly because I haven't been able to focus or concentrate, and partly because no one is responding so it feels like no one is seeing this. I backed out of the boy scout committee job and my brain still feels over loaded. But above all this my mom just announced that she and my dad are getting divorced. I am in a tail spin over this. I knew my mom has felt trapped for a long time because my dad is schizo affective just like me and he has never been on medication. I know that must  be really hard to live with. I am often hard to live with, even medicated. I'm not good at keeping myself, my kids and my house presentable. My mom never felt like she could leave him, just because he is sick. She's a nurse and has been caring for him for 37 years. He hasn't worked in at least 25 years. She felt like she couldn't get out, but last week my dad left her for another woman (who is just as crazy as my dad.) I think my mom is trying to get the divorce quickly before he comes back when that woman gets tired of supporting him. I love my dad and pitty him. I love my mom and respect her, but all this is a major trauma for me and right now my doctor wants to keep lowering my clonopin dose. I am thinking of trying Kava Kava and chamomile tea. Do you guys have any nonprescription ideas for panic.
          What scares me the most is that I feel like I am like my dad. I picture myself doing something stupid years from now (like leaving my husband), and that my husband would feel relieved to have me go.