Thursday, November 29, 2012

Grocery Store Challenges and Dad update

I went to the grocery store for three things and I stood there staring at laundry soap for 20 minutes. They didn't have the exact thing I got last time and I couldn't decide. The bad part is there were other people who came and went and I got nervous that they might be wondering why I was still standing there staring off into space, and worrying about them made me forget to figure out the soap problem. Finally I just grabbed some cheap stuff that I probably wont like. Luckily the sour cream and cottage cheese didn't involve disturbing perfumes or advanced math problems. Luckily all the cottage cheese and sour cream come in the same very comparable sizes. I'm just saying somebody should step in and regulate the laundry soap sizes like someone obviously did for the dairy products.

I have a little more insight into why I was freaking out so much about my parents' divorce. I really don't think my dad will survive a year without my mom. I know that is a lot to put on my mom's shoulders, but it's true. He says the reason he left is he is going to be translated (like Moses in the bible), and mom was somehow preventing that from happening. I wonder how long he is going to wait before he kills himself. He told my sister a year ago that he had a 'potion' that he is going to take 'when the time is right' that will bring about his resurrection. I was concerned because his resurrection would involve dying and maybe that potion is nothing but maybe it's poison. He doesn't plan to be here next week let alone next year and the state still wont do anything because he isn't dangerous to himself or others. I beg to differ. Maybe his delusion would just continue on and he would think that he had been translated and that now he's an angel or something, but maybe it doesn't and he takes matters into his own hands.

My dad has never been diagnosed or on any medication, but he is just like me unmedicated. Well actually in the last ten years he has gotten much worse then me unmedicated. My dad is 60 and they say schizophrenia left untreated for so long is really hard to treat. So much of their memories aren't real that there isn't that much left. It's really hard to talk them out of it. For me I wanted it all not to be real. My hallucinations and most of my delusions terrified me. My dad on the other hand thinks he is walking with Jesus everyday. He is happy this way. He wouldn't want to give that up and I wouldn't want to take that from him, except that he is going to be all alone and he might accidentally or otherwise kill himself.

There is nothing I can do so I have to let it go, but can you see why I worry.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Janae,
    Glad to see you're still posting. You're a good writer. I've got to sign up to follow your blog.

    As a mental health therapist with chronically mentally ill people, as well as your dad's sister, I too was concerned. (I am not sure if your dad reads this, but I know he is also very committed to spiritual things, which is great.) I don't know if you knew that his older brother, also a social worker, called him just after this happened to check with your dad about whether he was planning to hurt himself. At least at that point, he said, "No way." BUT, since we do agree that there he may get impulsive in his spiritual beliefs, or his mental illness, we may want to often ask him how he's doing with thoughts of taking potion, or anything else like that. For most people, if they ARE thinking of taking their own lives, asking about whether they are is actually a relief for them, because it's a scary thing to contemplate. We may all bear some responsibility to check with him regularly, get him help if needed, and other than that, to hope and pray for the best.

    Love, your Aunt